Halloween

I never feel like being something I am not - and anything I'd really like to be is unsuitable for the general public. So it becomes more a non-holiday for me. Or a holiday of self-repression. 

If only there were a Torture Garden here, maybe I'd party on Halloween.

As we walked down the street...

You worried that someone may have overheard you talking about your old life - all the things that no one knows yet ('here' is a relatively clean slate). 

I said not to worry. 

All that you have been and done and all that has happened to you contrived to bring you here and now, just as you are - and for that I am grateful.

Inexpressible horror

http://pch119.pixnet.net/blog/post/27086099-%5Bptt%E8%BD%89%E9%8C%84%5D%E5%A4%9C%E5%BA%97%E6%92%BF%E5%B1%8D%E9%AB%94-

Sometimes I live and love and forget about such things but then it finds me. what would compel someone to do such a thing? why do you allow it to happen?

the air thickens around me until it is too solid to breathe. i put on my mask again to get by but what i want is an intense and focused point of pain to wrap my mind around. to let it spill. anger and paralysis. i feel today like i feel in my nightmares.

you have a way of sneaking it up to me and shoving my face in it when i think i'm safe. when i feel as though i have forgotten. but you are right it follows me everywhere.

I am nothing

... if not grateful these days. All the mice have donuts and all is better than well in the world. Fragst du dich was passieren würde wenn du einer Maus einen Donut geben würdest?

Tonight I go on a mission armed with sweet things.

The things you think

... can lift you up or cast you down.

Don't sit and sulk, my beautiful one. 

Not un-named

... but un-namable.

How could you break it apart and let it spill if you don't know where it is?

I try to ride every hurt like a lance into the abscess of my mind. 

Why do you ask?

... she said, sticking a flask of whiskey into her handbag. 

I didn't know

... what role I'd be playing until I started playing it. Now I find that big glasses really help.

Initially

... it is always like throwing yourself headlong off a cliff. Worse. A different cliff. e.v.e.r.y. time.

Nothing can be lost unless it is filled with the intent to be. and if I should lose you.

1. To have and not have is a false dichotomy.
2. I would help you pack.

So much is outside of my control and that is the hardest to surrender.

When I lie tangled in your hair and fettered to your eyes, the birds that wanton in the sky know no such liberty. 

Enough

Take yourself apart and put back together again but you will never know all that went into your making.

If this is as near as to knowing why fret for and be fettered by the real or imagined indifference of some man or woman you love when the deal isn't yours? (when he or she doesn't even know his or her own.)

So stick close and let that go.

I went to sleep

...and had a nightmare that you were in love with someone else. Then I woke up and realized that it had happened already. I went back to sleep.

Will my role in your life change? Be diminished? I hoped not. But of course it will - how else are you to make room for her? And so it did. But we are happy.

We got together on Skype to talk of now and of the old days and why we split up (bad Skype connections; awkward sex; wrong/right things said or unsaid; speculative French lessons with possible future partners). Then we both walked into the shop that sells Love and said "I'll have the usual please." One day you will come back and I will stand again on the back of your bike, skirt billowing hair brushed by the breeze squinting into the bright sun light 

So it seems that everything changes and yet nothing does. 

Do you think of it as all that you are sorry to have lost, or all that you were lucky to have had?

When I remember you I am filled with love and gratitude for what you were and are to me.

A long time ago I quoted: "i carry your heart with me(i carry it in / my heart)."

Today as I wipe the dust away I find it is still true. So call me, or come visit - and we'll catch up. 

I love you.

Pep Talk

My friend is setting off on his first day work today.

friend: fuck

  I have a job

  I have to go to it today

14:16 me: haha

  first day?

14:20 friend: yes

 me: have a fun time!

  flirt with EVERYONE

  wiggle your bum

  etc.

 friend: lol

 me: charm their pants off

  of which you are perfectly capable

  take off at knock off time leaving a wake of panties behind you

14:21 friend: lolll

14:22 me: it's what I aim for when I go to work

 friend: best pep talk ever

 me: incidentally, I get shit done while I'm there

  but it is purely incidental

  lol

  I'm glad you find it helpful :)

Lying in bed at night

... eyes closed curled like a shrimplet, I try to go home only to realize I am home. It's a slightly befuddling revelation. (You are safe here. I tell myself. And drift off). 

Recipes

Place all your eggs in one basket and dash it on the ground. Again and again and again.

Take all the anxiety and chop it up. Chop chop chop. 

Crochet

A new venture!

So far the best piece of advice:

• Single crochet, don’t skip the first stitch.
• All other turning chains = the first stitch, so skip the first one in the row below.
• Sc = 1 ch
• Hdc = 2 ch
• Dc = 3 ch
• Tr = 4 ch
• Dtr = 5 ch