Pages

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

how I feel right now

剛剛回覆一個留言的時候寫了一些自己的感受,整理一下重新發文。認識我一陣子的人應該都會知道我是一個性侵被害者。我個人不是特別喜歡與人爭辯,或是挑起衝突,但是身為一個對性犯罪行為有親身經驗的人,每當這些議題出現在我的周遭的時候,我都覺得我有義務以一個過來人的身份分享我的經驗,或是表達我的意見。更何況在我們的社會中,這個話題其實很少被以有建設性,以及公開的方式討論。在對這個議題發言的時候,我每次都是萬分小心,先打草稿,諮詢我信任的朋友,請他們評論我的觀點是否理性,公平,會不會過度偏激,再請他們幫我抓錯字。

其實,身為一個性侵被害者我對這件事情的觀點是十分情緒化的。但是不管是傷心難過,還是快要氣炸了,我都會提醒自己這些情緒:
1. 發洩在別人身上不公平,而且
2. 對不了解這類犯罪行為的人沒有說服力。

所以在寫有關這些議題的文章的時候,我只能用我最理性的一面去面對。在一般生活中,這些事情卻給我帶來很大的負面衝擊。過去的傷痛不能再讓我難過,因為我已經盡力地替我自己爭取正義,而且也原諒的當年加害我的親人。好笑的是,雖然我能夠對過去釋懷,我當下所見的的自私,或是無知,卻很容易讓我再一次悲憤。

我常常很希望這是別人的問題⋯⋯ 不過人生中之有很多不如意之事,也有很多的挑戰,除了努力做對事情讓自己問心無愧之外,還能怎麼樣呢?麻煩的是,理性是一回事,心情卻又是一回事。當我理性地想要做最好的自己的時候,我的心情卻常常十分的沈重。

因為怕沈迷影響練舞,所以最近很久沒有看新的書。前兩天終於又買了幾本劇情緊湊的小說。沒有在忙的時候只想廢,想要腦海裡面空空的,不要去反覆思索那些我不能解決的問題,還有我無法幫助的人。

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Today I realized...

that the effect of my earlier life is that I assume that people won't like me (or worse - that I won't like them). 

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Monday, 9 October 2017

Feeling a bit

... low these couple of days. I see my peers perform and jam and start studios and achieve success and wonder if I'm good enough - or ambitious enough. I feel like I'm driving myself pretty hard but there's no one to tell me if it's what I'm suppose to do. If I'm on track. Of course the main problem is that I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and I'm determined to quit that. I want to look at those around me and feel genuinely proud of their success and celebrate it with them.

Another part of why I feel low is probably because I'm lonely. Recently questions or ethics and related dilemmas have been plaguing most of my waking hours. It's not driving me over the edge but it persists like a hum in the background of everything.

I don't know how to cope except keep at it and wait for things to loosen up and change on their own. 

Thursday, 5 October 2017

Touché


天下沒有不散的宴席

Even the best of things must some day come to an end...

Last four gigs at Roxy J.

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

From a page I like...

"Impropriety is the soul of wit"
- The Moon & The Sixpence (1919), Somerset Maugham

Sunday, 1 October 2017

逆境 and related thoughts

Recently I've been thinking about how I handle situations in class where I'm not able to get a handle on the material very quickly - especially if I'm slower than others (that really exacerbates the issue). So firstly of course what the hell am I doing comparing myself to someone else? Their performance (esp at the stage of learning) is totally irrelevant. Secondly - I've begun to see how how one handles these situations is really important. You can't expect the learning process to always be smooth. Some classes are more challenging than others, and I just need to come up with strategies that help me take things in my stride.

So my first strategy is to remind myself that challenge can lead to growth. Whenever I really suck at something big time I think to myself: I'm about to improve so much, just as well as I get the hang of this. Focusing on how rewarding it's all going to be helps me keep my spirits up. It sure as heck beats thinking things like "Omg I really suck at this. I'm so rubbish I don't even know why I try" because that's how I ended up getting so frustrated I cried in class.

The second strategy is to think of the challenge as a "take-away" project. I might not be able to get the hang of it in an hour, but I will definitely be able to get the hang of it (or at least make significant improvements) if I spend some time working on the skill.

Given the previous strategy my next step is to set a goal for the duration of the class: If I try to do the rhythm in my feet AND the isolation in my torso AND the hand/arm gestures then I'll probably fail. So I'll just work on two of the three (and usually the feet is a good place to start because it presents the least trouble to me). The rule is generally to set a realistic goal that I can kind of achieve during the class - and then I'll be happy with myself and feel accomplish regardless.

Realistic expectations also matter though - no matter how I work on it I won't go back next week and do it as well as the teacher or someone else in my class. Physical skills take time to settle in, and there's no way to hurry that process. What matters is that I can feel my own progress (even though sometimes it feels like a bit of a stop and go rather than a smooth progression - I hear that's normal).

Also something that can be really frustrating is when I KNOW exactly what I need to do (such as in a polyrhythm exercise. what each hand is doing is pretty fucking easy. it gets near impossible when it put it together), but my body won't do it. That's when patience comes in.

Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to lop off the offending limb but then I usually get the hang of it later so I'm always glad that I didn't. The long-run. The big picture. You see?

Saturday, 30 September 2017

On Success

It occurs to me that to be successful is to get what I want and for that I would need to clearly define what it is I want. Is it to be the best dancer in the world? Is it to have a successful school with lots of students? Is it to be self-supporting as a dancer? Also if the criteria of success is based on comparison with others then I will likely always be unhappy, because I have no clue where others are actually at. The comparison would never be objective and exact. It would only be a reflection of how I felt at the time about myself, and might have more to do with how much sleep I had, what phase of menstrual cycle I was at, and how much people tokens I had left etc. So I should try to give more thought to defining that goal.

Except some days when I'm not so into assessment I just plug away at what I'm doing. Like when I'm walking up a hill and instead of looking at where I'm going, I'm looking at where each foot step falls and enjoying every little forward movement. Those days feel even better though I suppose it's important to have a little bit of both. Or I might end up on the top of the wrong hill at the end of the hike. But is there a right hill? 

Mae West by Edward Field

She comes on drenched in a perfume called Self-Satisfaction
from feather boa to silver pumps.
She does not need to be loved by you
though she'll give you credit for good taste.
Just because you say you love her
she's not throwing herself at your feet in gratitude.
Every other star reveals how worthless she feels
by crying when the hero says he loves her,
or how unhoped-for the approval is
when the audience applauds her big number--
but Mae West takes it as her due:
she knows she's good.
She expects the best for herself
and knows she's worth what she costs
and she costs plenty-
she's not giving anything away.
She enjoys her admirers, fat daddy or muscleman,
and doesn't confuse vanity and sex,
though she never turns down pleasure,
lapping it up.
Above all she enjoys her self,
swinging her body that says, Me, me, me, me,
Why not have a good time?
As long as you amuse me, go on,
I like you slobbering over my hand, big boy--
I have a right to.
Most convincing, we know all this
not by her preaching
but by her presence-it's no act.
Every word and look and movement
spells Independence:
she likes being herself.
And we who don't
can only look on, astonished.

Thursday, 28 September 2017

heart's desires

This afternoon I had a dream that I was a part in a simulation in the mind of someone I love. We stood side by side in a landscape of his imagining - his childhood hometown. He was embarrassed to find himself there, as if missing home were some kind of weakness. I walked down the paved road explaining to him that things can shift at any moment. Maybe the ground will open up beneath his feet. Maybe he will meet people he had loved and lost, or the children he could have would have should have had. Turning around I found that he had gone. Though I knew he is simply standing right behind me, just slightly out of my field of vision. "Maybe you'll never see me again", I said. And as I said those words a wind lifted me off my feet and my sense of being airborne transformed into descent until I woke up on my sofa, already missing him intensely, this someone I do not know. 

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

Progress Report

Last weekend we had our workshop with Nathan. It all worked out really good and I feel quite... accomplished? One of my goals was to run 3 workshops this year and I managed two of them, which is not too bad. I'm also pleased with how low-key and low-stress it was in the end. I feel like the right people joined for the right reasons and did things that worked for them - so I managed the workshops and Naughty Swing did the party and we collaborated on the competition. The Back Beaters were great and the performance was stunning. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should be more ambitious. Maybe I should perform with the next visiting teacher? I don't know. It's an idea.

I also signed up for Welbourne Jazz Camp and it's so expensive! I hope that it'll end up being a good experience... 

Monday, 25 September 2017

A Ritual to Read to Each Other

BY WILLIAM E. STAFFORD

If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the
world
and following the wrong god home we may miss
our star.


For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of
childhood
storming out to play through the broken dike.

And as elephants parade holding each
elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the
park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something
shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should
consider—
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the
dark.

Thursday, 7 September 2017

On pride (and the acquisition of skills)

Does anything come naturally to anyone?

Throughout most of my education I was the top of my class. Most things that were taught in school came to me "naturally". I'm not sure what that means exactly except to say that I picked up the concepts fairly easily, could usually make further educated guess based on what was taught to me, and had no trouble applying concepts to solving/analyzing hypothetical problems. For most of that time struggling to learn was something that I watched other people do - not something I had intimate personal experience with. On occasion when I "struggled" to come to grips with something complex, I usually did it in isolation and privacy, with my head stuck in a book in my room late at night, or at the library (Derrida comes to mind). But these were the exceptions rather than the rule. What I specifically do not remember much is other people getting things while I struggled to understand them. Until I went to Oxford, that is. Then there was a lot of people who seemed to get things as quickly if not more so, which was really kind of scary.

Learning rhythm and dancing has kind of been the opposite experience and I really struggle with my pride. I hate struggling with a move in a class. I hate it when other people pick up rhythms or hear them in a song more quickly than I do. I hate it because I don't know how to deal with being the second person to understand something. I hate it because it seems to call into doubt something that I've always been.

There are two aspects to dancing, in my mind - one is about physical agility and coordination and the other about the relationship to music which is in part analytical. To some people I observe these abilities seem much more innate. I'm not sure if I'm physically agile - I think I'm slightly above average but definitely not close to the top. As for musicality I started out a total dunce. Quite honestly in my first performance when I was asked to raise my hat on 5 I didn't know what that meant, and couldn't understand it when they tried to explain.

In my recollections music was never in beats in my head in those days. It reminds me of the argument that the word blue didn't exist because it wasn't a thing until humans could reliably reproduce that colour. I feel that way about music. When I hear the rhythms in music it's not because of some innate connection with it, but because I'm trained my mind to detect patterns and apply some kind of analytical tool that lets me distinguish where it's at. Now when I listen to music, the counts literally sings itself to me in some part of my brain. Which is why it's very challenging and scary sometimes when I find a song that confuses me, because my rhythm detection is thrown off by half a beat or by two beats. At times like this I do what I've always done. Ask someone who knows, and then take it home as homework. I sit in front of the computer listening to these tunes over and over, counting them out to myself, waiting for the correct information to overwrite the incorrect information. I feel like I'm trying to grow instincts - or at least, to train myself until it becomes instinctive.

The asking someone though, costs me pride. I don't know if I was always this bad in school (heck it was a long time ago) but I just feel really negative when I don't get something - especially if I have to resort to asking a peer rather than a teacher. That was just never me. I was the one who others went to ask, not the one who did the asking.

The thing is I don't really like this aspect of myself. What is wrong with not understanding something? Surely where we begin is immaterial - the important thing is where we end up. If we don't start where we want to end up (most of us don't, I assume), then we have to do whatever it takes to get there. And once we do - does it matter where we started? I keep trying to tell myself that whatever it is I am not, I am not yet, because I'm in the process of becoming.

Perhaps it is also to do with insecurity. Just as I hate asking people to come out and dance when I DJ because I hate the feeling of needing to ask for something. I hate being disempowered whether it is needing their help in terms of coming to my events or in terms of teaching me some move or anything else. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way though, and I would very much like to come to terms with being someone who has needs. I'd like to be able to express my needs and my regard for the people who bring things to my life (friends who teach me, who come support my events, who practice with me etc.), without a ridiculous sense of disempowerment - because I think it isn't disempowering. We just need people. That's all there is to it. It's no shame and no weakness. One day hopefully I can just ask for whatever it is I need without feeling my my pride is in the way, and if I don't get whatever it is I ask for, I can take it in context and not let it affect me in a personal way.

Also it just occurred to me that the toughest thing is to refrain from drawing any conclusions from the fact that someone can do/can understand something which doesn't come naturally to you. How I feel is "whoa this person is such a natural I bet I'll never be as good of a dancer as him/her" when in fact I have no clear conception of the circumstances which may have gone into making of this situation. Perhaps he/she is innately awesome (in which case, yay, good for this person), but perhaps he/she has just had a lot more practice or some kind of formal training. I think back now to all the kids that I watched struggle in calculus class. No doubt some of them simply came to the conclusion that I was "smart" and they were perhaps less so. I always felt at the time that there was something erroneous about this conclusion (because I see them being smart at other things, and most of them were def. more socially adept than I was at the time). Now I think I know that part of the error is not seeing why I performed well in calculus (because I was tutored in maths from an early age quite separately and additional to my formal education, and because I had no social life and devoted free time to solving whatever extra physics and calculus problems I could lay my hands on in order to feel extra prepared for exams because otherwise I'd freak out because I'm a control freak and couldn't ever just try to 'wing it'). So yeah, there's always so much that we don't see.