Wednesday, 31 January 2018

I have tried but I find that...

I am not a saint.

When you are thinking "he seems like a good guy" or "anyway there is no evidence" and "perhaps they are confused", I am remembering for a fact that facilitators are responsible for what happened to me. I'm not confused and I am not judging by how things seem. In the end you find these excuses because you want to go to the workshop. I find no excuses because for me the damage is real and already done.

I find it hard to forgive facilitators and apologists. 

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

I feel...

sick of the sound of my own voice. Tired of explaining. 

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Anne Rice & Philippa Gregory

Once when I was really, really ill, as a teenager, I was taken to the hospital. I had urinary tract infection. I think I must have been 15? Or there abouts. I had a boyfriend and was sexually active but there was no one in my life who could advise me about practical matters of sexual health. When I started peeing blood and razor blades I wondered if I had STD. I went home and took a hot bath which is about the worst thing you can do. It got worse and worse and finally I was taken to the emergency. I waited for hours and hours because it's not critical, just painful. No one gave me any pain relief. I had Anne Rice's vampire chronicles and spent those hours (four or five) sitting in a toilet cubicle next to the emergency room, in acute pain and tears, reading about vampires because it was my only escape from misery.

When I think back now on all that unhappiness I know that it's because I was abused. My years as a victim of sexual abuse made me feel worthless. I dated someone who treated me badly because that's what I felt like I deserved. I chose to do things that were bad for me because I felt worthless.

Now whenever I see Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles I think of peeing blood and razor blades and confusion and misery and self-loathing and self-pity and grief.

Now I'm in my mid thirties and it's been years since I was last depressed. I have been depressed enough times that I know just what to do. Cancel everything. Find an escape novel. Batten down the hatches and stay where I know (or think I know) I am absolutely safe. Try to avoid crying in public.

The novel series this time is The Tudor & Plantagenet bodice rippers by Philippa Gregory. I think for the rest of my life Henry the VIII will remind me of being so ground down by grief I can't get up.

Some dreams I have had give me some hope.

I dreamt that I was being taunted and abused and I hit him and this time (unlike all the previous times in my dreams) my punches connected and I had power to fight back.

I dreamt that I was on a boat with people I know and they were being mean to me, and instead of fighting or feeling hurt I held the one nearest to me and spoke gently with the others.

Sometimes I feel like I need to talk to a Christian spiritual leader of some kind - a minister or a priest. I aspire to be an instrument of peace and I aspire to love the sinner while hating the sin.

I aspire to all these things when I'm not howling in grief and crying my eyes out.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

how I feel right now


1. 發洩在別人身上不公平,而且
2. 對不了解這類犯罪行為的人沒有說服力。


我常常很希望這是別人的問題⋯⋯ 不過人生中之有很多不如意之事,也有很多的挑戰,除了努力做對事情讓自己問心無愧之外,還能怎麼樣呢?麻煩的是,理性是一回事,心情卻又是一回事。當我理性地想要做最好的自己的時候,我的心情卻常常十分的沈重。


Thursday, 9 November 2017

Today I realized...

that the effect of my earlier life is that I assume that people won't like me (or worse - that I won't like them). 

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Monday, 9 October 2017

Feeling a bit

... low these couple of days. I see my peers perform and jam and start studios and achieve success and wonder if I'm good enough - or ambitious enough. I feel like I'm driving myself pretty hard but there's no one to tell me if it's what I'm suppose to do. If I'm on track. Of course the main problem is that I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and I'm determined to quit that. I want to look at those around me and feel genuinely proud of their success and celebrate it with them.

Another part of why I feel low is probably because I'm lonely. Recently questions or ethics and related dilemmas have been plaguing most of my waking hours. It's not driving me over the edge but it persists like a hum in the background of everything.

I don't know how to cope except keep at it and wait for things to loosen up and change on their own. 

Thursday, 5 October 2017



Even the best of things must some day come to an end...

Last four gigs at Roxy J.

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

From a page I like...

"Impropriety is the soul of wit"
- The Moon & The Sixpence (1919), Somerset Maugham

Sunday, 1 October 2017

逆境 and related thoughts

Recently I've been thinking about how I handle situations in class where I'm not able to get a handle on the material very quickly - especially if I'm slower than others (that really exacerbates the issue). So firstly of course what the hell am I doing comparing myself to someone else? Their performance (esp at the stage of learning) is totally irrelevant. Secondly - I've begun to see how how one handles these situations is really important. You can't expect the learning process to always be smooth. Some classes are more challenging than others, and I just need to come up with strategies that help me take things in my stride.

So my first strategy is to remind myself that challenge can lead to growth. Whenever I really suck at something big time I think to myself: I'm about to improve so much, just as well as I get the hang of this. Focusing on how rewarding it's all going to be helps me keep my spirits up. It sure as heck beats thinking things like "Omg I really suck at this. I'm so rubbish I don't even know why I try" because that's how I ended up getting so frustrated I cried in class.

The second strategy is to think of the challenge as a "take-away" project. I might not be able to get the hang of it in an hour, but I will definitely be able to get the hang of it (or at least make significant improvements) if I spend some time working on the skill.

Given the previous strategy my next step is to set a goal for the duration of the class: If I try to do the rhythm in my feet AND the isolation in my torso AND the hand/arm gestures then I'll probably fail. So I'll just work on two of the three (and usually the feet is a good place to start because it presents the least trouble to me). The rule is generally to set a realistic goal that I can kind of achieve during the class - and then I'll be happy with myself and feel accomplish regardless.

Realistic expectations also matter though - no matter how I work on it I won't go back next week and do it as well as the teacher or someone else in my class. Physical skills take time to settle in, and there's no way to hurry that process. What matters is that I can feel my own progress (even though sometimes it feels like a bit of a stop and go rather than a smooth progression - I hear that's normal).

Also something that can be really frustrating is when I KNOW exactly what I need to do (such as in a polyrhythm exercise. what each hand is doing is pretty fucking easy. it gets near impossible when it put it together), but my body won't do it. That's when patience comes in.

Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to lop off the offending limb but then I usually get the hang of it later so I'm always glad that I didn't. The long-run. The big picture. You see?

Saturday, 30 September 2017

On Success

It occurs to me that to be successful is to get what I want and for that I would need to clearly define what it is I want. Is it to be the best dancer in the world? Is it to have a successful school with lots of students? Is it to be self-supporting as a dancer? Also if the criteria of success is based on comparison with others then I will likely always be unhappy, because I have no clue where others are actually at. The comparison would never be objective and exact. It would only be a reflection of how I felt at the time about myself, and might have more to do with how much sleep I had, what phase of menstrual cycle I was at, and how much people tokens I had left etc. So I should try to give more thought to defining that goal.

Except some days when I'm not so into assessment I just plug away at what I'm doing. Like when I'm walking up a hill and instead of looking at where I'm going, I'm looking at where each foot step falls and enjoying every little forward movement. Those days feel even better though I suppose it's important to have a little bit of both. Or I might end up on the top of the wrong hill at the end of the hike. But is there a right hill? 

Mae West by Edward Field

She comes on drenched in a perfume called Self-Satisfaction
from feather boa to silver pumps.
She does not need to be loved by you
though she'll give you credit for good taste.
Just because you say you love her
she's not throwing herself at your feet in gratitude.
Every other star reveals how worthless she feels
by crying when the hero says he loves her,
or how unhoped-for the approval is
when the audience applauds her big number--
but Mae West takes it as her due:
she knows she's good.
She expects the best for herself
and knows she's worth what she costs
and she costs plenty-
she's not giving anything away.
She enjoys her admirers, fat daddy or muscleman,
and doesn't confuse vanity and sex,
though she never turns down pleasure,
lapping it up.
Above all she enjoys her self,
swinging her body that says, Me, me, me, me,
Why not have a good time?
As long as you amuse me, go on,
I like you slobbering over my hand, big boy--
I have a right to.
Most convincing, we know all this
not by her preaching
but by her presence-it's no act.
Every word and look and movement
spells Independence:
she likes being herself.
And we who don't
can only look on, astonished.

Thursday, 28 September 2017

heart's desires

This afternoon I had a dream that I was a part in a simulation in the mind of someone I love. We stood side by side in a landscape of his imagining - his childhood hometown. He was embarrassed to find himself there, as if missing home were some kind of weakness. I walked down the paved road explaining to him that things can shift at any moment. Maybe the ground will open up beneath his feet. Maybe he will meet people he had loved and lost, or the children he could have would have should have had. Turning around I found that he had gone. Though I knew he is simply standing right behind me, just slightly out of my field of vision. "Maybe you'll never see me again", I said. And as I said those words a wind lifted me off my feet and my sense of being airborne transformed into descent until I woke up on my sofa, already missing him intensely, this someone I do not know. 

Wednesday, 27 September 2017