Sunday, 9 April 2017

Repeat as necessary

"I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the past because I'm very taken up with living in the present" 

Saturday, 8 April 2017

Tuesday, 21 March 2017


Some mornings around 5 or 6 am I start to have anxiety based dreams. It's like my irrational fears get out of control and my dreams start to play out all the things that I'm anxious about, to their worst conclusions.

In my sober moments I know that these thoughts are ridiculous. But sometimes instead of trying to calm myself and overcome these anxieties, I decide to just get out of bed and give up on sleep for the next few hours. 

Thursday, 23 February 2017


I got really upset today seeing my friends on facebook berating someone, and also the general casual misogyny is something that just fills up slowly until it eventually overflows.

And then Roo messaged me, out of the blue, because I had been in a dream of his. Apparently his flight was rerouted and I was there in the waiting lounge. He can't remember how the dream ended.

I can't help but feel this is somewhat of a godsend. One of the earliest really truly good people in my life, just popping in to say hello, and remind me that people are good.

I thank whatever providence brought this about (and brought him into my life in the very first instance).

On the forefront of my mind today:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

... so please be kind if i'm a mess

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Biopsy vs. Autopsy

I misspoke and said that I needed an autopsy but actually I was scheduled to have a biopsy because I've had this weird lump on my arm. But then when I got there the doctor decided that it's small enough that we should just get it removed altogether.

So I now have four stitches on my forearm and have been warned off excess movement or flexing. I'm using this week to do some other stuff, like write up some basic musical theory re: swing and also some basic exercises.

Next week I go and get my results, and hopefully take the stitches out. In the mean time I'm enjoying being a bit more sedentary. 

Saturday, 18 February 2017

At about one month or so in

When I wake up in the morning sometimes I'm just like... why are my feet so sore? Oh. Because I practiced 3 hours yesterday.

I started popping classes lately and am carrying on with waacking. It's given me ridiculously well defined back/shoulder/arm muscles. Even my teacher is a little incredulous that I don't go to the gym any more. If only my abs would do the same (#nodice).

Everything is a constant struggle. Actually there are days when I feel measurable progress. But the rest of the time is pretty much a constant struggle.

I have trouble explaining to people what I'm doing sometimes.

On other fronts I feel I can always do more and do better (like update my vintage business) but then so much of the time all I can manage is vegetate. I'm not sure if I'm slacking or if I'm just exhausted.

Still, I think overall it's a forward progression, so I won't ask for more than that. 

Friday, 9 December 2016

We shall have to get out our leopard skins again

Duke has the permanent answer to these stereotypes and caricatures of Negroes. It is as well a deft parry of the thrusts of amateur anthropologists who refer to all Africans of darker color as savages. It's a musical comedy called, tentatively, Air-Conditioned Jungle. The opening scene sets mood and clime and theme. In a particularly chic living-room, decorated in the best of urbane good taste, but not given to flamboyant extravagances, sit the King and Queen of one of the ancient African tribes. She's dressed in a gown by Schiaparelli; he in a sleekly fitted dinner jacket. They are drinking their after-dinner brandy and coffee in relaxed comfort: the house is air conditioned. A muffled bell rings. The King picks up the telephone. "Yes," he says, "yes, yes. Mmm-hmm. Oh, bother. Well, if there's nothing we can do about it." He slams the receiver down on its cradle and turns unhappily to his consort. "What is it, darling?" she asks. "There's another of those expeditions coming over from America. Trying to discover the original sources of their jazz, you know?" "Oh, damn," the Queen curses. "Yes, my dear," the King says, "we shall have to get out our leopard skins again."

Ulanov, Duke Ellington (The Roots of Jazz)

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Wednesday, 19 October 2016



Recently I've started to work on some new skills and it makes me feel like I'm shit at everything, because new skills are not so easily acquired. But then that makes sense, really, because if I go to these classes to learn new things and find that I can already do it well then, it's probably a waste of time/money because it's not a real challenge, is it? The problem is that sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by what I can't do that I forget I can do anything - anything at all.

On the other hand sometimes I tangibly achieve a goal and that feels quite nice. The Bubble Tea Shakers performed for the first time this last weekend, so I'm glad I came up with an idea and worked with others to make it a reality.

Also another thing that helps in general is knowing what to say no to - for instance, swingy Christmas music.

I like my swing to be old fashioned and my Christmas music even more so. Medieval carols will do nicely, thank you.

Some motivational posters I liked.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

Saturday, 27 August 2016



The idea is that the world is not a safe place and you should do your best to protect yourself. But there's very little emphasis given to making the world a safer place. I believe we should try to make it a place where we can live without fear. 

Sunday, 31 January 2016