Tuesday, 12 January 2010

My two selves

After we spoke I spent two days holed up at home, alternating between crying my eyes out and being totally emotionally drained. The rest of the time I spent sleeping.

I had a dream. You came to visit me, and we were hanging out and being really happy and laughing a lot (bork). Then I had to leave the room for a second and I thought I could just come back and find you there. But when I tried to leave you started to cry and I realized that you had come to say goodbye - that when I came back you wouldn't be there anymore. Just when I decided not to go and started to put my arms around you, I woke up.

In my dream I also thought I could hear you breathing. When I woke up I realized that it was the sound of my own breath.

I feel a bit like two different people. My emotional self resolutely refuses to comprehend why we can't be together - why I am not where you are. My rational self continually tries to explain (as though to a slightly feeble-minded younger sibling) why this is better for both of us.

I'm not sure my emotional self is taking any of it in.