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Friday, 29 November 2013

Occasionally I remember

what it was like to walk alone and feel the absence of your hand in mine. What it was like to stand waiting on the platform and feel the shape of you hollowed out in my silhouette.

Then I remember to keep looking forward rather than back. 

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Minor Milestones

Today (for the first time I): plucked my eyebrows, used a curling iron, set my hair in a pin-curl. I'm thirty in 2 months and I've never learned many of the basic girly girl skills before. My teens and twenties were a fiasco in some respects and these things just never figured high enough on the list of priorities. But it's never too late, is it?

The other day I had a long chat with Yang about what it means to be a survivor. 

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

The good old days at home sweet home

On Monday my mother washed.
It was the way of the world,
all those lines of sheets flapping
in the narrow yards of the neighborhood,
the pulleys stretching out second
and third floor windows.

Down in the dank steamy basement,
wash tubs vast and grey, the wringer
sliding between the washer
and each tub. At least every
year she or I caught
a hand in it.

Tuesday my mother ironed.
One iron was the mangle.
She sat at it feeding in towels,
sheets, pillow cases.
The hand ironing began
with my father's underwear.

She ironed his shorts.
She ironed his socks.
She ironed his undershirts.
Then came the shirts,
a half hour to each, the starch
boiling on the stove.

I forgot bluing. I forgot
the props that held up the line
clattering down. I forgot
chasing the pigeons that shat
on her billowing housedresses.
I forgot clothespins in the teeth.

Tuesday my mother ironed my
father's underwear. Wednesday
she mended, darned socks on
a wooden egg. Shined shoes.
Thursday she scrubbed floors.
Put down newspapers to keep

them clean. Friday she
vacuumed, dusted, polished,
scraped, waxed, pummeled.
How did you become a feminist
interviewers always ask,
as if to say, when did this

rare virus attack your brain?
It could have been Sunday
when she washed the windows,
Thursday when she burned
the trash, bought groceries
hauling the heavy bags home.

It could have been any day
she did again and again what
time and dust obliterated
at once until stroke broke
her open. I think it was Tuesday
when she ironed my father's shorts.


by Marge Piercy

Thursday, 5 September 2013

What I think about when I do yoga

I think about a cycle of things.

It starts: "God this is hard I hate warming up". I think of all the primary series ahead of me and the poses seem to stretch out to all of eternity.

Then I remember the story of the monk who is disturbed by a giant spider each night when he tries to meditate. He was advised to draw a big circle on the spider's belly so they might identify it during day time. He wakes during the day with the circle drawn on his own belly.

Then I think: "God this is still hard could I just stop after the sun salutations?"

Then I start to feel good:
  1. This is just for me, not for anyone else. 
  2. I feel so good doing this rather than thinking I should do this. 
  3. It's good I'm no longer lying on a hospital bed recovering from a major surgery. It's good that I have the use of all my body parts with no aches and pains and no debilitating injuries. 
  4. I should do this more. 
Then I think of nothing at all. No niggling anxiety of what remains undone. No comparing myself to others. No fear of my own failure. 

Mostly just concentrating on how to use every part of my body optimally. To relish, or at least, endure, the burn and the tingle and the pain. 

Then it's all over and I'm absolutely ravenously happy.

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Dreißig Giraffen im Einkaufszentrum

Dreißig Giraffen gehen ins Einkaufszentrum. Die Giraffen wollen Schuhe. Die Giraffen brauchen einhundertundzwanzig Schuhe,aber die Giraffen haben kein Geld.

Die Giraffen weinen.

Die dreißig Tierpfleger kommen, um zu sehen, was passiert ist. Die Giraffen sagen, wir wollen einhundertundzwanzig Schuhe, aber wir haben kein Geld. Die Giraffen wissen nicht, dass sie Geld brauchen. Die Tierpfleger bezahlen für die Schuhe mit Einnahmen von Eintrittskarten in den Zoo.

Die Giraffen ziehen viele Besucher an.

Die Giraffen gehen zurück in den Zoo mit jeweils vier Schuhen.

Die Tierpfleger geben den Giraffen dreißig Euro als Taschengeld, damit sie nicht mehr im Einkaufszentrum weinen.

Friday, 5 July 2013

後來

車子在老闆南遷之後好幾次覺得被吊去殺肉(台語)也還不錯,因為當時老闆每週北上南下,兼顧家庭與工作,讓車子好吃不消。「我老了!!!」車子每次開上高速公路看到年輕小伙子飛快的跑著就越發的感受到了他自己的年紀,而這時老闆其實也慢慢在籌備要換新車的費用了。雖然雙方都漸漸感到在一起的日子不會太長久了,但是還是各自盡力充實的度過所剩的時間。不管太陽再烈,馬路上的柏油再燙,車子還是盡責的鞭策自己(每次終於到了停車位的時候就馬上昏倒),而老闆也很大方的帶它去自動洗過了好幾次,讓車子再也不覺得自動洗有什麼稀奇了。

因為老闆與老闆娘初期相遇的時候就是開著著車子,而且還暱稱它「小豬肝」(被太陽曬到退成豬肝色的紅車),所以連老闆娘想到車子就要退休了也覺得有點依依不捨。「這樣下去不是辦法的,我哪天毛病發作就會很不安全了」,車子自己私下盤算等到自己真的撐不下去了以後就乾脆不再發動了吧,寧可這樣也比在路上拋錨或失控來的好... 

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

After I quit my job

... I started doing mostly what I liked except when I sometimes had to do things I didn't like. I'm intensely happy almost all of the time, even though I make very little money now. But that will change - I'm trying to get a lot of projects on the road.

Half my time is spent turning down the things I don't want to do, and that's the hardest - saying no to an opportunity. But I try to remember that I'm doing this to do what I want, not whatever other people offer me.

Unrelatedly something I saw today.


Monday, 11 March 2013

You never thought you could



But you can, and it's a lot better. 

Today's lunch: egg salad mayonnaise with pickles.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Insecurities

隨時感覺到的是自己的痛處 - 小小的弱點跟其他人完全無關, 但是受了恐懼的慫恿, 卻攻擊了他人, 真是不公平.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

As usual

it's a conceptual problem and I know of only one way to work it through. What I need to know is where the bottom line is, and everything above it will be real.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

When are you moving here?


 Alex:  not today
 me:  what?
but I have the guest bed all ready
and flowers on the table!
the flowers!
 Alex:  !
 me:  sadness
 Alex:  tragedy
 me:  heartbreak loss and inexpressible longing
etc.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Walking last night...

among the realization of the dreams of others, I felt an acute sense of anxiety and disappointment. I should have started years and years ago! Never doubt your instincts. 

Friday, 11 January 2013

May your fears

... never be realized.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

The luxuries

... we don't have. 

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Turn around

... walk away. Look at something else for a while.

Like this headboard.



I want to make one just to hang on the wall. How about "what the fuck have you done" or "how long has it been going on"? (non-indicative of present condition - just two phrases that have a lot of thought provoking potential)

Or this much deliciousness.