I am Unbreakable

On my birthday last month I marked the occasion by making a submission to Project Unbreakable. I had meant to link to my image once it appeared on the site but there is a long backlog so I thought I'd just post it on here and facebook first.

The sign I'm holding up reads: "I was ten. It would have been easier if you were good at being bad so I could hate you. But you are not evil, just flawed. This was the most disempowering thing you said because it made you human. How do I love the sinner but hate the sin? It's okay. I forgive you."

What's both encouraging and frightening is that quite often, when I mention the fact that I am a victim of sexual abuse, the person I am speaking to opens up with his/her own experiences of a similar nature. For a lot of us, this happened when we were children/young adults. This further cemented my resolve to 'de-classify' my experiences in the hopes that taking away the surrounding taboo would make it easier for me (and my fellow survivors) to deal with our past.

As for my decision to show my face in the picture, post it on Facebook, and on my blog,  Dan and I had a lengthy discussion on the matter - excerpts of which I share below.

Here, Dan had been criticizing my photos (it took quite a few takes to get the right one) because of  my blank expression in most of them. He says my expression matters because:

22:18 Daniel: well I'm hoping it make it easy to connect

  you've decided to put your face in it

 me: most ppl cover their face

  I don't really want to contribute to the sense of shame victims are often inclined to feel

In terms of sharing this on Facebook and on my blog, in a moment of serious self-doubt, I asked Dan if this is a good idea.

22:24 Daniel: the whole thing?

  I'm interested as to why you are doing this on your birthday

  or is that just a coincidence?

 me: half coincidence

  and half because i treat birthdays as a time for taking stock, I gues

  s

  and new year's in general

22:25 Daniel: ok, fair enough

  you are accepting that posting something like this to the Internet takes it out of your control?

22:26 me: yeah

  haters gonna hate

 Daniel: and that you are willing to accept that is possible that everyone you ever meet may see this?

 me: so much the better

  it WOULD be dull if people never wanted to talk to me about anything else

  but I doubt that will happen

22:27 most ppl have 5 minutes to spare for serious topics

 Daniel: so not only do you intend to post it to the website, but also to your FB wall?

22:28 me: well I'm thinking about it

  that's what I want to do

 Daniel: and the purpose of the latter is?

 me: because the whole point of everything I've been doing

  is to call attention to it

 Daniel: ok

 me: the fact that child abuse happens all over the place

  to people YOU KNOW

22:29 you just don't necessarily know that about them

  but if even only a small handful stand up and speak out

  I think it would be harder for perpetrators to get away with it

  or even IMAGINE that they might get away with it

 Daniel: it's a very brave thing to do, and I think you have good reasons for doing so

22:31 if I were in your shoes, one of the things that would concern me is that people would rationalize me today in terms of this event in the past

  X is who they are because of this thing

 me: yup

22:32 but right now ppl rationalize me by saying so and so is such and such because she wants to be different

  I hope that the same percentage of people will still have the opportunity to get to know me for who I am

22:33 Daniel: I think as long as you are accepting that some people will be ‘lazy’ in their thinking, then I think you should go ahead

 me: thanks!

  I think some people will ALWAYS be lazy

 Daniel: yes

22:34 me: but if these lazy ppl think a bit more about childhood sexual abuse

  shrug

  I don't tend to make things easier for myself

I check Project Unbreakable quite often, because other people stepping into the light gives me a sense of solidarity and empowerment. It feels good to think that the truth will out. I salute those who, like myself, have chosen not to cover their faces, but I am proud of each and every one of them just for taking part.

If you've read this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to care about an issue that I care deeply about. Really, thank you. 

Third time lucky?

The last two were a bit crap, and I kind of thought marking it out as a day different from any other would be just begging for doom and blight. But this year I thought I'd try something clever and see if I'd get away with it. Third time lucky, so they say.

Let's hope it doesn't end up with me sitting alone at the bar, with The Smiths playing in the background. But anyway...

Yoga earlier. It occurred to me that the way 五柳先生 reads is more or less how I think of my practice:   「不求甚 解；每有會意，便欣然忘食。」Following that, dinner for one as usual (and preferred, on week days) at the usual place. My week-nights thrive on routine. Half a bottle of riesling to myself, and Moby-Dick for company. Slow going, armed with so many other weapons of mass distraction (hello, Android), and the words itself requiring a bit of mulling and chewing. Enjoyable though, all the same.

Most thankful to be where I'm at. That I have the good fortune to be young and (relatively) sane and employed and dry and comfortable on a rainy day and to be blessed and gifted with the enjoyment of my body and my voice and my mind - and most of that, that you (plural) are here, there, and everywhere.

In the middle of the night...

last night I woke up for no reason. Then I saw your email on my phone and read it. It made me feel better. I went back to sleep and you were in my dreams. We were at a hotel. There were a lot of pictures of me standing in wellies, at the edge of a waterfall, ankle-deep in wide, slow flowing water cascading over the edge away from me. Not sure what you were doing though I do remembering wondering what it would feel like to kiss you - if you'd brush my hair behind my ear. 

He Gets Around to Answering the Old Question

He doesn't see as well as he thinks he remembers.
His fingers sometimes find it hard to bend.
He often can't find the name to go with a face.
Sometimes he doesn't hear but decides to pretend.

Weekends, week by week, are closer together.
Sometimes he has to sit down to put on his pants.
No lady seems to mind if he calls her Honey,
never grins nor even throws a glance.

Sometimes he's told himself what all this means.
"Every year some more of me is dead,
but there's a lot of stuff still left to collapse."
He started to laugh but talked to himself instead.

"Think of yourself as a plumbing system, a clock.
As soon as you're done, you start to come undone.
It's almost interesting when you pay attention,
how working parts stop working, one by one.

So now you've asked me the oldest question of all.
You want to know how I'm doing. I told you before,
I'm dying. Been at it for years. Still, I think
I could hang a few more calendars on the door."

-Miller Williams (via The Writer's Almanac)

Because I've only ever been good at doing two things

in retrospect, I probably behaved in all sorts of peculiar ways that didn't occur to me at the time. I'm fairly certain that hasn't changed. The way I see things and the way others see it is still tenuously connected by a 10-20 year gap...

Spilled Milk

I can still hear the clink
of the milk bottles he brought home
10:00 in the morning after he made
his deliveries for Bordens.
Thirty-five years, they never
gave him off a Jewish holiday.
The goy he asked to do his shift
on Yom Kippur refused and
the next day he dropped dead.
They called it a Jewish curse.
Then they stepped all over each other
to work for him.

What could I do after his stroke?
I put him in a nursing home.
He knows me, but can't talk anymore.
Fifty years we lived together
he would never weep in front of me.
Now all the time his eyes are tearing,
but there is no more Morris to cry.

Lovemaking wasn't so easy between us
in the early years. We both felt guilty.
We thought we weren't supposed to enjoy
it and I was always worried
about becoming pregnant.
Later on we worried the children would hear.
But after they grew up and moved out
and I couldn't bear anymore
we began to have fun.
It wasn't always before going to sleep either.
Sometimes during breakfast
he would say, Let's go
and roll his eyes up to the bedroom.
Luba, he would say, I'll help you
take out the hairpins.

- Willa Schneberg (via The Writer's Almanac)

413 Nanohertz

... and a reminder to self to read more Charles Bukowski. Any recommendations?

I can

keep going because I believe in my ability to change for the better.

Over the holidays

I had a million things on the To Do list and only got through VERY FEW of them. Sigh. Here's some photos anyway. 

A bookmark in Moby Dick, featuring Totoro (龍 + 貓)

Cheese omelet for breakfast. 

Puppy and I, with chalkboard wall.

Stew ready for the freezer.

Work in Progress,

Delicious beef stew.

Chopped mushrooms destined for seafood stew.

It's been great being on holiday.  Now I must rush off to try and get a few more things done before the day is through. Epic dancing at Roxy 99 last night... consequently most of the day was wasted, in bed, asleep.

Hold it to the light

"And some weren’t surprised about what had happened, which was also something that I had to wrap my head around: maybe it could have been prevented."

Grace of Project Unbreakable tells her story. 

Then & Now

"I'm sorry. I cannot help myself."

At 10 I wished you'd just be a bad guy. But now I know you were just a very flawed man. It's alright. I forgive you.

That was the most disempowering thing you could have said to me because it took the strength of my hatred away. Things became complicated rather than black and white. How do I love the sinner but hate the sin?

(I still have anger, but I will find useful ways to let it out.) 

He was a pretty big deal

"... He had a girlfriend in every major city. I talked to people who watched him buy diamond engagement rings by the dozens. He always had one in his vest pocket."

[via Radiolab, 'Loop the Loop']

Expertly wrapped

... if I may say so myself. 

Surrender

... what is the meaning of the word?

I fear that you might fail me but I know I would never fail myself. When did self-reliance begin? Is there a middle ground? 

Over tea and toast

... the end of Midnight approaches. Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year holidays. Slept in till half past 12; long leisurely walk with the dog; breakfast at half past 1, and I'd be happy if I get through this in the next hour or so.

to have so much free time!