Wednesday, 27 August 2014

"So please be kind... if I'm a mess"

Some days shouldn't exist.

When my friend was suicidal during college, we had a system. Instead of asking "how are you?" I would just ask for status, and he would give me something from 0 to 100. 100 is "Happy", 0 is "I should be dead". It saved a lot of pussyfooting around.

Here's today's status: 30. 

Some days I wake up and know that it's hell. It's like an inexplicable cloud that rolls in overhead, or some unwelcome guest who breaks down the door. Yesterday I spent the whole day with a knot in my throat - feeling like I'm always close to tears. This morning I woke up crying because sometimes I hurt in an unquantifiable way, somewhere that doesn't exist. It's scary because I don't know how to fix it, and I'm used to thinking that I can fix everything.

This unhappiness is like a chronic illness. Over the years it's gotten better (I spend at most a few days sad, rather than a year). But I admit (reluctantly) that I am a long way from being whole.

Whenever I get like this I lose hold of the things that I believe to be true. I feel deeply broken. I feel like a burden. I feel like the people I love deserve better (everyone, I think, deserves to date a normal girl. not someone like me). I feel like a liability, lurching and reeling, constantly in need of propping up.

Or maybe what I need is a place to fall apart.

I spent the morning at home, doing everything painfully and slowly (head pounding and eyes stinging, because you know, crying is an exhausting business). Dog and I went to the park and I sat for a long time, watching him watching me (trying to work out why I took him there but won't play with him). Then I went home, got dressed, and went back to normal (what else could I do?).

Except of course the flip side of normal (hurt/sad) is just as before. It's like a problem I need time to solve. Bashing my head against it right now won't help (learned that. the. hard. way.)

Mostly I want to know if you could love someone if they are say, as damaged as me.

Other than that I am good. I can carry on.