Reverting

Sometimes I debate for a long time over spending small sums of money. For instance, 5 pds is really not a big deal. But is it too much for a small pan so I can make a single serving of porridge in the morning?

I've been plagued by these kinds of decisions since moving. So many things needed to be bought even though the flat is nominally furnished. The truth is that everything is in bad nick, and god only knows who owns what. Seeing as I never actually get to speak to my flatmates it's all very enigmatic.

Speaking of my flatmates (uh, 7 other young lads) - I freaked out today because I stepped into the bathroom and there was puddles of water on the floor, and the bathmat was wet. I usually step on the mat, you know, after a shower, towel off, and hang the mat on the radiator to dry. Whoever it was obviously doesn't do things the way I do.

Toph didn't think it was a big deal. He then reminded me that I live with 7 other young lads, who'll likely also think it's not a big deal. He also reminded me that I shouldn't go and give them a talking to, or they'll think I'm a cow who lives down stairs.

Obviously a part of me couldn't give a fuck less what they think, and really wanted to hull the culprit into the bathroom by the scruff of his neck and make him mop up.

The other part of me felt defeated.

It's been a bit of a long, uh, week and a half, settling in. I think I mentioned before that I'm starting to regret choosing the cheap option. The thing about cheap & cheerful is that you have to try to stay, um, cheerful. So far I've been doing a good job of it, thinking of how reasonable the rent is compared to other places (bills included!). Today though, I felt defeated.

What did I do? Well, Toph was off climbing. I went to Tesco, took out 50 quid, and then bought a whole bunch of little things that I've been meaning to buy, from which I have abstained because I thought they were too expensive for what they're worth.

You'll laugh at me, but they turly are just small, small things. I realized that I was probably being a bit stingy - after all, what's a fiver for a pan, six quid for 3 plastic food storage boxes, and one pd twenty-five for a plastic basin? Right?

Right. That's what I told myself too.

But the other thing is, they're from Tesco. I'm not sure why but I have a niggling guilt about being there. Hanging out too much with hippies had left me feeling like big chains MUST be doing something evil. I would like to think myself an ethical consumer - but to be honest I know very little about the companies I shop at. Not like, nothing at all - but not enough to feel fully informed (God, think of the hours you'd have to put in though, to be fully informed). Anyway, I shopped at Tesco, which I've been doing rather alot since we moved here.

In Edinburgh I shopped at Tesco too, but only in my first few years, and more and more sporadically as time went on. The thing is, once I got to know the neighbourhood, I found better places to buy my daily essentials. But here, in Oxford, I'm utterly lost for shopping. I know that there are shops but nothing is familiar yet. I'm not yet a regular at any of them. So I reverted to shopping at Tesco.

I knew I was having a bad day when I grabbed a plastic basket and did every isle, slowly and methodically, checking out the prices for everything (as a baseline comparison for when I go elsewhere), and imaginging cheap meals that can be knocked together from the Tesco value range.

Thing is, I shouldn't even be that poor, you know. The studentship is generous enough, I think. But buying the cheapest alternative to anything is also a reversion I think. Perhaps reverting isn't even the right word. Perhaps it is more a self defense instinct? I don't know. I feel like the insecurity of new surroundings has sent me scuttling for safeties. Funny that shopping at Tesco should be something so fundamentally bottom-line of defense for me - if the shit hits the fan, you can at least afford to buy things from the Tesco Value range.

I am awed at the implications of my reflexes because they are actually so illogical. I didn't even realize just how illogical until I started writing.

But in a way being careful with money is a necessity. After all, there's two of us here, and neither of us really work, as it were... But this fearfulness of spending to much can surely be carried to far? Must remind myself not to quibble too much over the price of essential items... after all, I easily spend up to twice or thrice the amount on a pretty frock.

Oh, and there's not even enough space to put my clothes and shoes... Boo :(