Anyway, here's a letter from someone who's got his head screwed on right.
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Dear Johnny,
You must tell me which bowel of Taiwanese depravity you frequent so that I might join you for a few word-slurring beers over treasonous KMT trash talk. I cringe to think you are the only one with a license to spout off on the foul nature of your brethren or that your Hunter S. Thompson style is unrecognizable.
Now that the niceties are out of the way, let's talk shop. I, too, a foreigner no less, recognize the "pig sodomizers" amongst us.
Perhaps by the 12th round of Taiwanese formaldehyde-laden hops we could reach a consensus such as this: at the least, an ignorant "Jimmy Waiguoren" can be brought around to the reality of Taiwan, when most locals are so blindly fashioned to their shade of blue or green that they don't know, can't articulate or reason otherwise.
"It's very complicated" is my favorite answer. And by the way, did Mr. Waiguoren, in his naive fog, explain why he had such an articulate question to render forth on the "overdue scrapping of a dictator's personality cult"? ("Election 2008: The `sissy factor,'" Dec. 15, page 8.)
You see, when I can't be bothered to mission to the Combat Zone, I am quite happy to sort out Taiwanese politics outside the nearest 7-Eleven with a good plastic crate to sit on. Try hiding from the populace with 12 empty cans at your feet there, my friend! The looks I get are ominous.
And from my pulpit of cheap beer within the public domain I preach thus: "Brace yourself, Taiwan, brace yourself for the thing that is Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九)."
He is a new breed of snake in this political ecosystem. Punch-drunk on power, give this guy a single glass of red wine and he'd sell his old man's ashes for a night out at the PRC "Mao Zedong's Still Our Hero" bash.
He relishes in politics for the commoner, the real Taiwanese, the Taiwanese who can no longer afford Alexander gym memberships. And the "staff writers" at the China Post, who create the fear of economic Armageddon on this island, felt it journalistically responsible to report Alexander was going under because economic hardship under the "Green Terror" forced patrons to stay home and get fat. Rubbish. Still, they often have no choice but to admit (on the back page, usually) to the economic success of this island.
The propaganda put forth in that rag of a newspaper instead implores, as would Ma, that the value of property on the island will go up when the Chinese get here. No shit? And then the bloody commoner who can't afford a dumpling will really be fucked, much less those with a chance to pursue middle class status. Can I get my gym membership money back please?
And then -- this pisses me off -- Ma claims kids only need to start learning English (whether it matters at all is arguable) in the fifth grade.
Well, I met the guy once, shook his greasy hand and posed for the photo op with my students. His indiscreet, yet telling anecdote of his background at Cambridge in Boston sickened me so that I eventually vomited on the steps outside his office. I wasn't even hung over.
First of all, there is no way in hell this guy started speaking English in the fifth grade! And all language-based evidence suggests learning two languages at a young age does not harm the dominant language. I would dare him to spin this shit in Canada. And what about Taiwanese, isn't this a second language as well? Leave the didactics of education to the experts, you dick!
Finally, but not finally, Ma has been chirping off about the "Green Terror." Is the guy retarded? I know you can't say that but I just did. So who exactly has the Democratic Progressive Party rounded up, relieved of their human rights and then executed? Sure, I wouldn't mind putting a few on the list, but my opinions are a bit "out there" at 4am.
Sometimes this place is so messed up I wonder what I'm doing here and why I bother to care about politics and freedom. Feel free to tell me to go home -- it's the obvious retort.
Just when you think Taiwan has a chance, that it just might do something right like stand up for itself, as President Chen Shui-bian (
I'm Canadian, and no offense to Americans in general, but this is why I speak the same language, watch the same movies and share the same culture and history (sound familiar?), but have as much chance of growing back my hair as becoming American. I take solace in believing the Americans do know what is right and are only playing "devil's advocate" for the sake of keeping up appearances with its fat, ugly friend China.
It's not right, but it is part of the facade of international politics. I should say I support the US war on terror, because terror is real, and so is China.
Meanwhile, Taipei's jackass mayor and his punch-drunk civil servants think it wise and entirely within their realm to defy the Central Election Commission. What?
Then the China Post's Sunday editorial ("Election tricks cause concern," Dec. 16) thought it wise to speculate on "dirty tricks" that might be played by Chen and the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) at the risk of World War III.
Yeah, and having some nut fire a homemade gun at your gut hoping it only "wounds" you is the best way to go about trying to win an election.
If that is the case, then Chen has bigger cajones than a wild 17-year-old alpha male dog from Miaoli with three legs and its nuts dragging on the ground.
Frank Hsieh (謝長廷): Cut this task manager loose. I like him, except for the kowtowing, but he's going to lose the presidential election big time. "Frank Hu"? is what people north of Taichung are wondering.
The best advice I ever received in minor hockey in Canada -- the last game where you can fight and shake hands afterward -- was to keep my head on a swivel. That way, if you see a hit coming you can get the hell out of the way. Right now, no one in the DPP seems to see the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) charging with a vicious cross-check from behind.
But back to Ma Ying-jeou (
Clones, Ma clones, all staggering and crawling to the finish line having never trained, just to show the world that the next big cash windfall or idea is just around the corner. Yes, when China gets here, they are the ones who will have the innate "will" to get rich.
I got one jiayou (
"Green terror," my butt.
As I ran through the tunnel before the finish, a song I hadn't heard in a while rang through my iPod. Pearl Jam's Do the Evolution sped up my pace for the last 1,000m and gave me goosebumps. I thought of Ma as the lyrics came screaming through Eddie Vedder's guttural voice:
Buying stocks on the day of the crash ...
All the rolling hills, I'll flatten 'em out
It's herd behavior ...
This land is mine, this land is free
I do what I want,
but irresponsibly ...
I'm a thief, I'm a liar
There's my church [the PRC],
I sing in the choir.
Taiwan, you might like the KMT bonus check, but it won't go far.
Gathering speed,
Keith Justik
P.S. Did I mention another article in the China Post? It seems the Chinese "forgive" Chiang Kai-shek (
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