postcards

Here I am. There you are. At times I ache for the nearness of you.

Sometimes it does me good to be reminded that I am

Conclusive proof

... that my instincts about people are good. I'm thankful for all the circumstances that drew us together years and years ago - when I realized that everything else is detail. 

"you should be aware of that factor - by which I mean that he may feel no less / more passionately for you, it's just the asymmetry of your lives at present that mean his contact with you is more limited"

... and I owe you for this little piece of sanity. 

I have heard

... that some people want to be played delicately like a musical instrument. Sometimes (perhaps all the time, only deeply hidden) I only want to be ground to dust.

(for you, it's like a black hole. for me, it's the gash from the cleave of an axe. you speak in tongues. I imagine my head blown off with a shotgun. oh dear). 

放不開

... 的話，只能全部賭下去。There's never been any other option. You know that. 

Overcome

... sometimes I get a bit tired of feeling shit just by remembering things. Honestly - how many more times before it's done?

Disappointment

topic: disappointment

When I first moved to Canada I was nine years old. My parents sent my brother and I to live with our relatives (aunt, uncle, cousins - all naturalized Canadian citizens of longstanding at that point). I was lonely more or less all of the time and I missed home and I missed my parents more than I had the ability to comprehend. I had integration and language classes at the local primary school, which involved a lot of field trips and activities. One activity was a trip to the lake. Parents were invited. 

My parents were visiting me at the time (they came maybe two three times a year, for a week or two), and my father promised me that he would attend. The day before the trip, he told me that he had to meet with a lawyer or an accountant or some such instead, and wouldn't be able to go on my school trip. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed about something before or since. 

That day, at the lake, we sat down to eat the lunches that our families had packed for us. A boy from my class brought his mother along. She made a beautiful bento box of Japanese food. My aunt packed my lunch (I hate her sandwiches), which tasted like sawdust. 

Life really sucked back then. so. much.

more than ever

Because of the direction I have chosen to take my life (and us), it occurred to me last night that I need to be more courageous, more generous, more forgiving, more patient, more trusting, more confident, and more supportive than ever before.

And would you believe it... I feel quite up to the challenge.

Hopefully this good mood stays with me. 

Undermine

All the things that anyone else could do to undermine me cannot compare with those that I could do to myself. 

Undoubtedly we are

... just very average human beings. But in my eyes somehow you appear extraordinary. 

You want to be supportive, but...

you don't want to go overboard.

Julian: If you want to complain I'm here waiting for you, unless I'm at Cafe Haag. 
Me: That's the most supportive thing anyone has ever said to me - all the way up until the part about you going to Cafe Haag. 

After a time...

all our memories distort an fade. I can almost feel what is not in front of me warp and change in my mind's eye. (distance of time and space makes all that is solid melt into air).

But today is this what I look like. It's been sunny in Tübingen.

Pieces of myself

At the end of the last lifetime a thousand pieces of me were woven into the souls of others. Sometimes when I look into their eyes I recognize myself, and everything else is details.

遮雨棚下

最近在專用停車位打盹的時候車子偶爾會因為夢到從前在台南分公司的那段日子而驚醒，心裡總覺得有點懷念又有點不可思議。自己這麼一把年紀還不停的從林口到台南陪著老闆跑生意，接老婆，看爸媽，當時雙方都十分確認過不了多久一定是過勞死的下場（車子啦，不是老闆），只希望某天能夠平平安安的在停車位上永久拋錨，再也發動不了，而不是在路上昏倒給那些年輕力壯的跑車們看笑話。誰能預期到老闆一位新同事的媽媽會看上了車子，把它牽回家收養呢？

想到了離別的當天車子不禁熱淚盈眶（其實應該是潤滑油外漏），老闆把它手洗得乾乾淨淨，開到了台南分公司門口，讓新老闆娘親自接手，車子又是不捨又是緊張，儘量裝出一副「我是老臺北」的跩樣子，免得舊巴巴的外觀被新老闆娘嫌棄。新老闆娘是一位溫柔的太太，把它慢慢地開回了新家，作為去菜市場還有道場的代步工具。從此之後車子的生活有了大大的改觀。新老闆娘很寶貝的照顧老車，不但帶它去保養場大大的保養了一番，還替他重新烤漆，讓它永遠擺脫了「小豬肝」的色澤。為了要讓車子不受日曬雨淋（才剛烤漆怎麼能讓它褪色～）還在家門口蓋了一個有遮雨棚的停車位。車子每次停在裡面就忍不住對著附近的鄰居車們擠眉弄眼的炫耀：「我前老闆是個臺北博士經理，天天跟我北中南的東跑西跑，幸好我乖巧又可靠，現在半退休了還有遮雨棚。我在大都市的遭遇啊，你們這些鄉巴佬不會了解的，哼～」。鄰居的車子羨慕又嫉妒，天天期望它光鮮的烤漆哪天被機車刮出一道長長的痕跡⋯⋯

On defensiveness

so, I usually row to warm up and it's been a long time since I've trained with anyone (years and years). Last night this guy I don't know suddenly  says to me that he wants to "show me how the machine work". I was  dumbfounded by how obnoxious it sounded, and after rowing a few strokes he asks me if I get the idea. I tell him that I actually have rowed, at which point he starts critiquing my technique. Instead of acknowledging that he's right, my technique is all over the place, I get all defensive and tell him that this is how I learned (which is not true, sorry coach. I probably made you sound really incompetent), and I was just like, thanks, I think I'm fine. We made slightly tense small talk for a few minutes before I excused myself and even though I know his critiques of my technique is just  I was really offended because I don't take well to be patronized and it just upset me (not to mention that I kept wondering what else I might be dong wrong for the next 2 hours at the gym, constantly catching him doing other things out of the corner of my eye). I wish I could be more humble and just take it in my stride as some good advice rather than wanting to turn around and slug him in the face (anyway I can't because he's a lot stronger than me and a good rower, he'd beat me to a pulp) So, new search term for google "how to be humble". Results: 3 ways to be humble, 7 ways to practice humility, 50 ways to be more humble. I notice the same "un-teachability" in my dance practice too, so I guess that's 2014's resolution (facepalm).

But more to the point. I get defensive really easily and when well meaning people give me unsolicited advice I just get so angry and frustrated. A part of me wants to scream at them and ask them where they were all the years when I needed advice VERY VERY badly, and if they weren't around then, who the fuck are they to tell me what to do now, which is, needless to say, irrational and irrelevant. But visceral and immediate. I'm not sure if this is something I'll get over, but I will try.

Another thing is the somewhat troubling knowledge that a big part of why I weight train is because I'm obsessed with self-empowerment. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I'm absolutely haunted by a sense of powerlessness and I go 3-4 times a week to the gym to make myself strong enough to defeat an enemy who is DEAD. But alive to me every time in my nightmares. I'm not sure what kind of revolution needs to take place in my life before I can shake that off. So excuse me if I look very tense while I work out.

Finally I'm mortified by how bad my rowing technique is and how I thought I was doing good all this time. I hope no one else at the gym has noticed (please, ground, open up and swallow me).