We had the worst Christmas in my living memory. Usually I don't make a fuss about Christmas. If in Germany we tend to spend in at Julian's parents' house. This year we decided to socially distance and just had a quiet one at home with the household. I bought a tiny little potted tree way back in November. We made cookies and decorated the tree, and everyone made an effort to get some presents.
I got two books from Julian (one of paintings by Thiebaud, and one is about brush lettering). I gave Julian a pair of headphones much earlier, and then bought and wrapped a MUJI jumper (he was complaining of not having enough warm jumpers to wear). I knitted Sören a big grey and sea foam green mobius strip scarf, since he basically never took off the navy blue one I made for Julian last year. Sören's mum was in touch before Christmas and she decided to get Sören a Bose bluetooth speaker, and a big bottle of nice Scotch for us. Julian got eco friend super mario boxers for Sören, and similarly themed socks for everyone, which I used as stuffed stockings.
The part that didn't go so well started around the time when M came to visit. I noticed you getting more and more down and frustrated all the time. By the time M left and Christmas came around you were sleeping poorly, barely eating, and pacing all day. When we opened presents you had a little note in an envelope which said that our gift is a KitchenAid and we should choose one. I was so touched and you were crying at least half the time.
On Christmas day and the following days things got really bad. I would get up in the morning (super early) to have some quiet time to myself, and then spend a few hours sitting with you in your room, trying to calm you enough so that you can at least drift in and out of sleep. Then the day would be spent trying to stop you from getting frantic and hurting yourself. Finally you rushed off to Hamburg.
I worried about you endlessly when you were up in Hamburg. I packed your suitcase and pillow and stuffed some chocolates in your bag. When you arrived you texted "thank you for the chocolates" and I thought that was a good sign, you noticing something outside yourself. But the rest of the time still seemed full of anxiety and defeatism.
You came back yesterday (unannounced), your old self again, and said it was nice to be home, which I was happy to hear. In time maybe you'll start to see this place with us as a home too. Not like the home you had before, when you were married and things were very different, but also a home. A place where you are loved and comfortable. Somewhere where you belong.
I want to make changes that will impact in the long term so had to sit you down and make you promise that you would get help and get meds so that these periods of intense anxiety and panic wouldn't happen again. This morning you woke up, and seemed fine. Better than you've been in a long time.
At lunch time I heated up last night's left over lasagna and we ate together. You went back to your room to game some more before starting work. Knowing that you are well, and home, I now feel quite contented.
