Anne Rice & Philippa Gregory

Once when I was really, really ill, as a teenager, I was taken to the hospital. I had urinary tract infection. I think I must have been 15? Or there abouts. I had a boyfriend and was sexually active but there was no one in my life who could advise me about practical matters of sexual health. When I started peeing blood and razor blades I wondered if I had STD. I went home and took a hot bath which is about the worst thing you can do. It got worse and worse and finally I was taken to the emergency. I waited for hours and hours because it's not critical, just painful. No one gave me any pain relief. I had Anne Rice's vampire chronicles and spent those hours (four or five) sitting in a toilet cubicle next to the emergency room, in acute pain and tears, reading about vampires because it was my only escape from misery.

When I think back now on all that unhappiness I know that it's because I was abused. My years as a victim of sexual abuse made me feel worthless. I dated someone who treated me badly because that's what I felt like I deserved. I chose to do things that were bad for me because I felt worthless.

Now whenever I see Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles I think of peeing blood and razor blades and confusion and misery and self-loathing and self-pity and grief.

Now I'm in my mid thirties and it's been years since I was last depressed. I have been depressed enough times that I know just what to do. Cancel everything. Find an escape novel. Batten down the hatches and stay where I know (or think I know) I am absolutely safe. Try to avoid crying in public.

The novel series this time is The Tudor & Plantagenet bodice rippers by Philippa Gregory. I think for the rest of my life Henry the VIII will remind me of being so ground down by grief I can't get up.

Some dreams I have had give me some hope.

I dreamt that I was being taunted and abused and I hit him and this time (unlike all the previous times in my dreams) my punches connected and I had power to fight back.

I dreamt that I was on a boat with people I know and they were being mean to me, and instead of fighting or feeling hurt I held the one nearest to me and spoke gently with the others.

Sometimes I feel like I need to talk to a Christian spiritual leader of some kind - a minister or a priest. I aspire to be an instrument of peace and I aspire to love the sinner while hating the sin.

I aspire to all these things when I'm not howling in grief and crying my eyes out.

how I feel right now

剛剛回覆一個留言的時候寫了一些自己的感受，整理一下重新發文。認識我一陣子的人應該都會知道我是一個性侵被害者。我個人不是特別喜歡與人爭辯，或是挑起衝突，但是身為一個對性犯罪行為有親身經驗的人，每當這些議題出現在我的周遭的時候，我都覺得我有義務以一個過來人的身份分享我的經驗，或是表達我的意見。更何況在我們的社會中，這個話題其實很少被以有建設性，以及公開的方式討論。在對這個議題發言的時候，我每次都是萬分小心，先打草稿，諮詢我信任的朋友，請他們評論我的觀點是否理性，公平，會不會過度偏激，再請他們幫我抓錯字。

其實，身為一個性侵被害者我對這件事情的觀點是十分情緒化的。但是不管是傷心難過，還是快要氣炸了，我都會提醒自己這些情緒：

1. 發洩在別人身上不公平，而且

2. 對不了解這類犯罪行為的人沒有說服力。

所以在寫有關這些議題的文章的時候，我只能用我最理性的一面去面對。在一般生活中，這些事情卻給我帶來很大的負面衝擊。過去的傷痛不能再讓我難過，因為我已經盡力地替我自己爭取正義，而且也原諒的當年加害我的親人。好笑的是，雖然我能夠對過去釋懷，我當下所見的的自私，或是無知，卻很容易讓我再一次悲憤。

我常常很希望這是別人的問題⋯⋯ 不過人生中之有很多不如意之事，也有很多的挑戰，除了努力做對事情讓自己問心無愧之外，還能怎麼樣呢？麻煩的是，理性是一回事，心情卻又是一回事。當我理性地想要做最好的自己的時候，我的心情卻常常十分的沈重。

因為怕沈迷影響練舞，所以最近很久沒有看新的書。前兩天終於又買了幾本劇情緊湊的小說。沒有在忙的時候只想廢，想要腦海裡面空空的，不要去反覆思索那些我不能解決的問題，還有我無法幫助的人。

Today I realized...

that the effect of my earlier life is that I assume that people won't like me (or worse - that I won't like them). 

Loneliness