From Felix's wall... because it describes her so well, I wanted to hang on to it.

 慶祝媽媽 64 歲生日的一些想法與心裡話.

在我眼中的媽媽, 總是待人真誠, 安分守己, 處事圓融. 她在五, 六十年前純樸的金門長大, 直到為了唸大學才移居台北, 認識了爸爸. 本來願望只想當老師的她, 在我心中一直是個既傳統卻又開明的母親. 在我成長的過程中, 她與爸爸從來沒有要求我學什麼才藝, 讀什麼樣的書, 唸什麼學校, 選什麼科系, 交什麼朋友.

個性單純簡單的媽媽, 因為婚姻, 家庭的關係, 自淡大歷史系畢業後竟也與爸爸在商界打滾四十年了. 我從小就看著媽媽兼顧母親與會計, 人資, 財務, 甚至編輯, 翻譯的工作. 不論是與銀行的業務主管打交道, 與倉儲的司機大哥搏感情, 與打電話來發飆的難搞客戶危機處理, 或與外商公司的高階主管應酬 - 她雖然真誠卻絕對不傻, 雖然單純卻從不會看不清楚對方的真正動機.

但是, 她從沒讓商場上的謀略與算計改變她本性的謙虛與善良. 她就是我的媽媽.

小時候, 當我與同學有不愉快, 或媽媽自己在工作上受別人的氣了, 常常聽媽媽說:

「對方這樣對待你, 那是他的品格與格調. 你如果把他放在心上, 或是去與他口出惡言, 不就把自己降到他的等級了嗎?」

說實在的, 年輕時我的個性很衝, 無法把這樣的哲學放在心上. 但隨著職場與生活上累積了經驗, 近年來, 每每遇到不舒服的人, 不中耳的話, 或不滿的事時, 總是能想到她的話而釋懷.

我漸漸邁入中年才越感受到自己多深的受媽媽影響. 相較於許多前同事, 身邊朋友, 我實在是不算精明, 不懂謀略也不喜算計. 不管是在職場上為自己的職涯升遷爭取機會, 拉攏靠近正確的主管之類的, 或是在生活中投資理財找錢滾錢的方法, 都不是我擅長的領域. 年近四十, 我已經很能夠坦然接受自己的不足, 缺點, 短處.

我會的, 只是把自己非常有限的能力所及, 責任範圍內的事情做到最好.

在工作與生活上一直幸運能有貴人相助, 主管提拔, 好同事好朋友信任, 我寧願相信只是因為我繼承了媽媽的待人真誠, 善良誠實.

比起職場上的運氣, 有這樣的媽媽才是我幸運的起源.

媽, 生日快樂.

An example of resilience

 From the NYT

I kept thinking, what can I do with this time? I went straight to the Academy of Vocal Arts after high school; I’ve only ever known singing. What can I do with no degree? What the coronavirus has shown is that we’re not confined to staying put in one location anymore. We can do anything from anywhere in the world. I read a lot about people who made a career transition into tech. And I began looking into software engineering. I started learning a coding language, and did that the entire summer.

Now I’m what they call a “resident” at a software engineering immersive program called Codesmith. It’s an intensive program for three months that takes you up to being hired at a high level, mid to senior.

I’m not leaving singing. I’m preparing myself for having a skill set in an industry with a lot of opportunities and straddling both worlds. This idea people have, that you’re either a singer or not a singer, it’s just not the truth. And now, more than ever, it can’t be the truth.

I really do believe I’m coming out of this feeling so much more empowered. I’m relying on myself to invent my future, as opposed to feeling I’m the victim of a system. I’m not saying I’m always at the computer with glee. I have shed a tear or two for my life and career. But at the same time, you have to keep moving forward. My dream has always been, and will always be, to be a singer. But now I have more than one dream.

Down and Up Again

 We had the worst Christmas in my living memory. Usually I don't make a fuss about Christmas. If in Germany we tend to spend in at Julian's parents' house. This year we decided to socially distance and just had a quiet one at home with the household. I bought a tiny little potted tree way back in November. We made cookies and decorated the tree, and everyone made an effort to get some presents. 

I got two books from Julian (one of paintings by Thiebaud, and one is about brush lettering). I gave Julian a pair of headphones much earlier, and then bought and wrapped a MUJI jumper (he was complaining of not having enough warm jumpers to wear). I knitted Sören a big grey and sea foam green mobius strip scarf, since he basically never took off the navy blue one I made for Julian last year. Sören's mum was in touch before Christmas and she decided to get Sören a Bose bluetooth speaker, and a big bottle of nice Scotch for us. Julian got eco friend super mario boxers for Sören, and similarly themed socks for everyone, which I used as stuffed stockings. 

The part that didn't go so well started around the time when M came to visit. I noticed you getting more and more down and frustrated all the time. By the time M left and Christmas came around you were sleeping poorly, barely eating, and pacing all day. When we opened presents you had a little note in an envelope which said that our gift is a KitchenAid and we should choose one. I was so touched and you were crying at least half the time. 

On Christmas day and the following days things got really bad. I would get up in the morning (super early) to have some quiet time to myself, and then spend a few hours sitting with you in your room, trying to calm you enough so that you can at least drift in and out of sleep. Then the day would be spent trying to stop you from getting frantic and hurting yourself. Finally you rushed off to Hamburg.

I worried about you endlessly when you were up in Hamburg. I packed your suitcase and pillow and stuffed some chocolates in your bag. When you arrived you texted "thank you for the chocolates" and I thought that was a good sign, you noticing something outside yourself. But the rest of the time still seemed full of anxiety and defeatism.

You came back yesterday (unannounced), your old self again, and said it was nice to be home, which I was happy to hear. In time maybe you'll start to see this place with us as a home too. Not like the home you had before, when you were married and things were very different, but also a home. A place where you are loved and comfortable. Somewhere where you belong. 

I want to make changes that will impact in the long term so had to sit you down and make you promise that you would get help and get meds so that these periods of intense anxiety and panic wouldn't happen again. This morning you woke up, and seemed fine. Better than you've been in a long time. 

At lunch time I heated up last night's left over lasagna and we ate together. You went back to your room to game some more before starting work. Knowing that you are well, and home, I now feel quite contented. 

She got that right

 Judy Garland Quotes

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

A door stop

Today you said something about how some people learn to be hardest on themselves and believe that others must share their own low self-estimation. I hugged you and told you that I think you're wonderful and I like you just as you are. You said that you disagree with me and I said that's where you are wrong. Then I told you that it's only one of the many things you are wrong about, and I can't even begin to list all of them as it would fill an entire hardbound book so heavy you could use it as a door stop. 

A while ago

 A while ago we had the worst fight in ages, mostly because the boiler issue. I get so overwhelmed with anxiety and frustration sometimes and if you go on and keep underlining the worst possible outcome (however likely it may be) I just end up shouting which then sets you off shouting.

To be honest I’ve never had a friend I shouted at/with so much but every time it happens we make it up after, so it’s not (absolutely) a bad thing.

We also did some fun stuff like birthday with homemade chocolate cake, paper crowns, craft beer, and hand knit socks:

and I made you a badge with your nickname on it: 

We had French onion tart, rucola salad, and white wine at dinner, and popped some corn after so we could all watch Arrested Development together.

Over the next few days you were sometimes sad to be alone. But not all the time. 

We also went to the fields and gathered greenery for our advent candles. I got these tiny little mushrooms from Oxfam (along with a bunch of other old decorations). You said that you had them as a kid.

We also baked Julian’s favorite Christmas cookies. The first batch was filled with jam and the second with chocolate ganache.

Today we decided to make some homemade pocky sticks from the NYT food section.

It snowed overnight the other day and everything came up all frosty. It may be the winter of our discontent but I'm happy about the snow. 

A little joy

This morning you slept in but I got up early to put chocolate buns in the oven. Then I went into your room to check why you were still in bed. I sat on the edge of your bed behind you and put my head down on your side. You petted me awkwardly. Then I went to the other side and laid down in front of you. You put your arms around me as I curled up, and I felt that you liked having me there.

We chatted slowly about this and that, the same way we do when I say goodnight (I lie down and pat the bed, you sit down, then I curl up around you like a snail and put my head in your lap. You get up to brush your teeth and walk around mumbling while I wriggle around under the covers). 

Sometimes I get a clear sense that my presence and affection makes you happy and brings out something good. The days right now are so repetitive and the things we do daily over and over feel like small rituals. I want to build new habits - positive expectations of comfort, safety - of freshly baked things and warm meals and someone being there, morning, day, and night.

Because many other things are hard and often bad, without recourse, beyond control or ability to influence. Because all we have to lean on is our goodness to one another. Because it’s good to arrive and throw a tantrum and let it all out and be scooped up and held. And it’s good to be the one to say come here, where I can look after you.

Before you went to take a shower I sat you down and brushed out your hair. Today the server was down for maintenance all day and with nobody to shoot at you were getting agitated and anxious. I like to think that me brushing your hair was ten minutes that were better than the ten minutes before or the ten minutes after. It’s not much, but it’s also everything.

You look very handsome when you are happy.

Jeremy

 

Goodbye, my friend. How quiet and empty it all seems without your laughter.

Stop all the clocks

'Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone' Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; For nothing now can ever come to any good. W H Auden

Buffalo Bill

[Buffalo Bill 's]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

Buffalo Bill ’s

defunct

               who used to

               ride a watersmooth-silver

                                                                  stallion

and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat

                                                                                                     Jesus

he was a handsome man 

                                                  and what i want to know is

how do you like your blue-eyed boy

Mister Death

You are the finest

“You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known—and even that is an understatement.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Phenomenal Woman

BY MAYA ANGELOU

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Sometimes I’m worried

... that I might not make any difference. Sometimes I fear that I might have caught you on your way out. However much I might enjoy talking to you, however much I might wish to know you better, I won’t be able to persuade you to stay. And you would take all the good things with you when you go. (All the good things that are yours alone, that no one else is or could ever be quite the same.)

Pain has an element of blank

Emily Dickinson (1830–86).  Complete Poems.  1924.

Part One: Life XIX

PAIN has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.
It has no future but itself,	5
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

What I know is

It won’t be as good as before. It’ll be better.