Recently I had a pretty bad spell of anxiety and depression for no apparent reason. One part may be the fact that while I was in Taiwan I had to always be present and correct when shit hits the fan, and perhaps that’s left me with less resources than I would normally be able to scrape together. Whatever the reason, it’s always like juggling on a alpine mountainside in winter, where one dropped ball launches an avalanche and all of a sudden I remember how much stuff I have to be sad about, if I ever took the time.
Back in the little basement flat in Toronto when I cried over books full of photos of Audrey Hepburn and promised myself that my life would be beautiful one day, I didn’t foresee that when I got there, I would have trouble believing in it. Now everything is good but I’m worried that there’s a something just around the corner, beyond the next blind-spot, which is waiting to shove me to the ground.
Fortunately for me when I tell this to them, they let me cry and shield me and tell me that the things I fear will never come to pass. A sat on the sofa, face full of compassion, while I cried in my old high-back chair, trying and failing to pull myself together. N put his arms around me and let me sob into the collar of his linen shirt, while trains whizzed past us in the garden. S wrote with book recommendations and words of encouragement, responding in detail to my long rambling account of every last weird thought that’s ever crossed my mind (Nothing is actually wrong but the persistent and intense anticipation of what could go wrong and remembering what has gone wrong in the past makes me howl with tears all the time. Sometimes I feel like my chronology is messed up so that things which went bad in chapter 4 makes another appearance in chapter 36 as though I am a bookbinder’s mistake).
J held me all night while I cried and J rushed home to make sure that I was ok. When I tensely pulled a sponge cake out of the oven and declared that it was a-okay, T asked me if I was happy and I unthinkingly replied yes. He smiled and said good, because that’s what we want.
It’s a funny thing because T is really… wimpy. Prefers to be soft and cuddly, whines about me being mean when I pan his favorite novels, and is scared of having his blood drawn. In comparison I feel tough as nails. But he suddenly pointed out that it’s just a coping mechanism because I’m anticipating yet another thing that I must survive.Turns out I’m not very tough after all just hoping to fake it till I make it.
I have all the good fortune and everything that is required to make me happy. All I need to do is take possession of it. Believe that it happened because me. Because we wanted it, and we built it. It seems that while I’ve stopped worrying about how things should be, I am still working on enjoying how things are.
The other day on the phone with F he suddenly said but what if things go right? I’m trying to hold onto that all the time.
Another thing that’s been playing on my mind is intrinsic vs. relative worth. It seems to me that I’ve been conditioned to equate my self worth with my productivity, academic achievement, appearance, and comparison to my peers, among other things.
One day T and I were on the phone and he said are you ok you look tired? I was like yes it's PMS and this is how I look and how I will look for a while - old and tired, because I am. Then I apologized and he was like what the fuck for? Then I realized that I see being attractive as one of my core competencies and if I'm failing on that front I should be sorry. It's not how I would think of friends or lovers but it's how I think of myself like what the fuck is wrong with me.
They got me young and now it’s a reflex I can’t work myself loose from. I’m lucky in that my partners really don’t seem to think that way. When we went for a walk together after my first ersatz birthday party (Sunday afternoon at the old airfield), none of them were thinking about why I held someone's hand more often, and if that means they are more important to me. Someone asked me whose hand I held during the walk there and back and when I asked them, they were like… it depends on who was talking to whom? Like why is that even a question.
If their needs are met, they don’t wonder if someone else is better. I wish I were like that, but I cling to the illusory crutch that I am comparatively, relatively better, in some tangible way (as a giraffe would say - taller). Everyone has received the memo that this useful lie is to be kept up at all times. Luckily they don’t seem to find it an issue.
Though N did ask me whether there isn’t something that I bring to the table that is uniquely mine. I hesitated and said… money? He was like, uh, no. Perhaps it’s one clue to solving the problem - like how I never compare myself to trans girls because I literally couldn’t grow a dick if I tried so why bother? (T suggested that I simply must find the dick in everyone else so I stop comparing). We are lovely and different creatures. Maybe one day I’ll see everyone like that - no more tallying up points. Like how when Katarina told Ben that her six year old can cycle 30 km in one day, Ben asked yeah but he can play the lute?
I'd like to feel sure of my intrinsic worth because rationally I think I'm very worthy of love. Even though just writing that makes me doubt myself a little, in the way that birthday parties make me wonder why I'm even worth celebrating.
So next year on my ersatz birthday I'll go all out and get party decorations. I'll send invites well ahead of time and let people know it's my birthday.
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