postcards

Here I am. There you are. At times I ache for the nearness of you.

Sometimes it does me good to be reminded that I am

Conclusive proof

... that my instincts about people are good. I'm thankful for all the circumstances that drew us together years and years ago - when I realized that everything else is detail. 

"you should be aware of that factor - by which I mean that he may feel no less / more passionately for you, it's just the asymmetry of your lives at present that mean his contact with you is more limited"

... and I owe you for this little piece of sanity. 

I have heard

... that some people want to be played delicately like a musical instrument. Sometimes (perhaps all the time, only deeply hidden) I only want to be ground to dust.

(for you, it's like a black hole. for me, it's the gash from the cleave of an axe. you speak in tongues. I imagine my head blown off with a shotgun. oh dear). 

放不開

... 的話，只能全部賭下去。There's never been any other option. You know that. 

Overcome

... sometimes I get a bit tired of feeling shit just by remembering things. Honestly - how many more times before it's done?

Disappointment

topic: disappointment

When I first moved to Canada I was nine years old. My parents sent my brother and I to live with our relatives (aunt, uncle, cousins - all naturalized Canadian citizens of longstanding at that point). I was lonely more or less all of the time and I missed home and I missed my parents more than I had the ability to comprehend. I had integration and language classes at the local primary school, which involved a lot of field trips and activities. One activity was a trip to the lake. Parents were invited. 

My parents were visiting me at the time (they came maybe two three times a year, for a week or two), and my father promised me that he would attend. The day before the trip, he told me that he had to meet with a lawyer or an accountant or some such instead, and wouldn't be able to go on my school trip. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed about something before or since. 

That day, at the lake, we sat down to eat the lunches that our families had packed for us. A boy from my class brought his mother along. She made a beautiful bento box of Japanese food. My aunt packed my lunch (I hate her sandwiches), which tasted like sawdust. 

Life really sucked back then. so. much.

more than ever

Because of the direction I have chosen to take my life (and us), it occurred to me last night that I need to be more courageous, more generous, more forgiving, more patient, more trusting, more confident, and more supportive than ever before.

And would you believe it... I feel quite up to the challenge.

Hopefully this good mood stays with me. 

Undermine

All the things that anyone else could do to undermine me cannot compare with those that I could do to myself. 

Undoubtedly we are

... just very average human beings. But in my eyes somehow you appear extraordinary. 

You want to be supportive, but...

you don't want to go overboard.

Julian: If you want to complain I'm here waiting for you, unless I'm at Cafe Haag. 
Me: That's the most supportive thing anyone has ever said to me - all the way up until the part about you going to Cafe Haag. 

After a time...

all our memories distort an fade. I can almost feel what is not in front of me warp and change in my mind's eye. (distance of time and space makes all that is solid melt into air).

But today is this what I look like. It's been sunny in Tübingen.

Pieces of myself

At the end of the last lifetime a thousand pieces of me were woven into the souls of others. Sometimes when I look into their eyes I recognize myself, and everything else is details.