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Monday, 30 April 2012

In the dream

... it's always a man. Usually I know it's my uncle who sexually abused for years when I was a child. Last night though it was a Caucasian man I felt I had seen many times and ought to know, though I could not identify him.

In the dream he taunts me and I am impotent with rage. I want to fight, to strike back, to break his teeth all over the floor, to smash his eyeballs into their sockets, to choke him until I can feel his windpipe collapse beneath the weight of my hands, to beat his skull in as hard and as many times as my strength would allow.

In my waking hours I devote a substantial amount of time and energy to being fit, to being strong emotionally and physically. I don't think I am strikingly muscular but I am stronger than your average girl, and I react very combatively toward many situations, though I am learning to reign myself in, to stand down. I feel that I need to pick my battles. Though real life situations too, also often leave me with so much anger. The casual misogyny, or unkindness, fills me with rage - and also a sense of impotence because I often don't feel as though what I do or say would ever have an impact on the world around me.

In the dream I lash out. I throw punches as hard as I can but my arms are weak and when they land he laughs as my fists miss the mark or sink down harmlessly. I throw obscenities and abuse and warning but even I can hear the irresolute fear in my voice because I know that I've lost this battle before, and that though I know it is a dream I don't have the wherewithal to control its outcome. He leers at me and laughs condescendingly.

Last night I screamed at the top of my voice. A piercing blood-curdling scream. I screamed many times as loudly as I was able and I could feel the air escaping me but no sound came. I knew I was lying in bed, eyes firmly shut, mouth open, screaming silently. He grins without any trace of concern, there is nothing you can do, you can't even defend yourself, you are no threat to me, I can do as I like.

...

I've had this dream for years and I believe that all this impotent rage will only get better when I write honestly about my experiences in the hopes that it can at least make a difference to one person. I need just some small good to come out of this one big bad and I will feel as though I've tipped the balance. I must be the change I wish the see in this world and I refuse to pass on bitterness or fear. To me true empowerment is the moment when I can turn this profound bad and sad into something better.

Until then I hope I never have this dream while dozing on the bus. 

Monday, 23 April 2012

Just thinking

about the day we walked down the bank of the Thames and came across the three old men playing music in one of the underpasses. One violin, one drum, and one trumpet. At first we stood and watched. Then I began to move to the rhythm, little by little. In the end, I took off my red duffel coat and started to dance. They were delighted and played and played on. We were there for a long time. When the music finally stopped I gave them all the money I had, and thanked them. They were from Bulgaria, and hardly spoke a word of English. 

The burden

Thing is, I have anger that chokes and consumes me, and it feels like you wouldn't understand. But you certainly won't understand any more than you do or do not at present, if I don't find a way to tell you.

However difficult it is, I will.

(by so much anger I mean angry like I want to stab myself in the leg just so I don't stab you in the eye.)

Monday, 9 April 2012

Begin it now

“Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

 - William Hutchinson Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition (1951)